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How do I live life, how do I keep going when I really feel and believe God HATES me?

*Warning: This is long. Whoever reads this, thank you. I appreciate it deeply. I can’t find a person in my actual life to talk to this about. This is a bit of a spiritual rant, I hope the right people find this post. Thanks.

I have had horrific, after horrific- accidents, health issues, betrayals happen to me on repeat for the past 6 years, more specifically (health related) past 3. It has officially made me feel out of body, super spiritual, and broken to my core. Life doesn’t feel like normal life anymore. My life is filled with constant negativity and sadness that I try to escape from but it just never works.

I have had really bad things happen to me as a child that I am suddenly remembering if you know what I mean. I am remembering so many awful things from every year, and I can’t handle it. I also got in this specific accident, went to get a treatment done, it was working, I was so grateful and thanked God for so many days, I was literally crying from happiness and then suddenly in the last treatment, the doctor messed up and now it is worse than before. It feels like a cruel joke. I was devastated.

I pray and pray every single day, I have had hope every year regardless of all the trauma, I have tried to say “ok after this it will get better.” and then something else happens, that I never thought would in my life. and it happens so often. it is so weird and awful. I think the most recent thing that happened with this doctor, broke me and has got me to write this post. I snapped at God and cussed him out and said some terrible things after this treatment went wrong. I cannot handle it. God has seen me miserable for so many years, totally broken, and yet he allows this to keep going? Evil. Pure evil. I feel like Job. And even that story makes me sad, cause God seemed so cruel to the very end and Job just stayed silent. God seems like a narcissist. I kind of hate this creator. I hate whoever made me come to this place just to suffer and be sad all the time, and when I try to get out of it, it doesn’t work. I can even sense people around me LOVING how I have gone from sort of confident, social, happy, to the insecure miserable broken person who never goes out. My 20s are being taken away from me. I am livid. I do blame God for some of this. Why the constant bad luck? why SO many accidents and health issues, ALL AT THE SAME TIME? Why so much HEART ACHE when I have always been a ride or die for those in my life! (not anymore)

additional story:

*The only thing that gave me faith, is when my grandma went to the hospital for a rare brain virus. The doctors all told us to ‘prepare’ mentally before her surgery. My mom and uncle said their goodbyes to her in case. She literally was unable to talk, move, she would lash out, attack people, it was terrifying. Well, I prayed like never before in my life.

I told God to show me for once in my life, that if i pray he is here and that there is more to life than just me. that moving forward, i know prayer can work. I said that I want her to not only not die, but to recover FULLY, and her BRAIN to recover fully. The doctors warned us it is basically impossible for her brain to recover and for her to go back to her normal self, talking and everything. No one thought she would. I asked him to make the doctor tell me herself, that she cannot believe she is not only recovered, but talking totally as if the virus never happened.

Well, she fully recovered out of nowhere after the surgery, and her brain was totally back to normal, she was talking as if nothing happened, she was full of life. that was 7 months ago. THAT is what gave me hope. The doctor said that exact sentence to me, and she was amazed and thrilled. It was cool. I was appreciative to God for that. I thought things would start to turn around after this help.

I do feel this love hate relationship with God. But mostly hate. Not just me, but for life in general, making people go through all kinds of intricate, unique, awful health issues. The fact that some people are SO blessed to have a pretty easy straight line of a life, and then I have to be shot down every 5 seconds all my life. What the HECK did I do before this life? Because whoever I was, I hate them. I hate that I was born and I am experiencing constant misery no matter what I fricken do. This is not WORTH it anymore to me. Life is not worth it. When I finally was starting to overcome my panic disorder and depression, my ENTIRE life went upside down.

I ask God daily to help me out and give me a reason to keep going. I rarely have left my house for years now, I do the minimum, I am in school, biut thats it. I am deeply depressed, I can feel myself developing bipolar, especially after this recent incident. I do not want to have another mental health issue but it seems I cannot control what happens in this life at all. I feel like the Satan or whatever has personally come to test and wreak havoc on me, my life, my family. I have genuinely been in one thing after the other, every 3 months or so, for YEARS. that rips apart the soul. I have an attitude towards God now, I cuss him out and everything I have lost it. I just do not understand why a God would instantly punish me every time I open my mouth? None of this makes sense.

I’ll never forgive God for doing all this to me. I used to be super positive and happy, even with the stuff I went through before. I had severe panic disorder and I thought that would be the worst thing to happen but I was wrong. These health issues, and I am talking like 9 happening all at once, has broken my soul. It is too much at once. I sincerely believe God is trying to beat the shit out of me. It is so sad.

He has made me hateful, angry, and for years I was keeping it together but at this point, this feels out of body. I feel like I am in some video game where someone wants to hurt me over and over for fun. What about living life? dating? traveling? like everyone else in my life gets to do. I literally would be so grateful to just live again, in a normal body, and go out and have things go well. That would be my dream. I see others who get to just LIVE, and I think to myself ” no one understands, how God is in control of what we get to have. It can all be taken away, ALL OF IT, in a SECOND. I have never had an ego, I have always been so appreciative, yet this all happened.

I want to keep going and living life, but how do I do that when I believe God itself is against me? How, after all the stuff I am currently dealing with? I am terrified to live now, after this stuff happened.

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Source: Reditt