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Hey I’m morally lost.

I’m not really looking for advice. I’m doing some soul searching, haha and I found part of it, and the other half of me is just stubborn and confused and in denial of the opportunities I have before and the past decisions I had made. I don’t know if I learned from my mistakes, I’m pretty sure I did, but I’m making the same ones out of comfort to prove “This is who I am- I know who I am- This is me”. But the decisions were not fully me. I was …

Playing a game, if you will, with God and the people around me that went too far and became stunted in a way, by Western society. I am now away from it all, and making so much damage to the people around me now- for what? Just to stretch out my soul- the unhealthiest parts- to prove- what? This is who I am and how I got here?

But again it’s NOT who I am. It was a mask. So when can I take the goddamn mask off my…is it even a mask now? Before it was, now it just feels …evil.

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I have to believe it’s a mask. It’s like when a police officer goes in too deep undercover. I am going too deep undercover in reliving the echoes of the past to the point that I lose the intention that set it off.

I misbehaved as revenge for moving countries- but not even. I was a good kid. It was only when my dad sold off the old property 3 years later- an inheritance that wasn’t even his- it was my mom’s- and I thought was going to be a generational home- it was my home- my grandpa built it- and his complete disregard for my feelings made me livid and hurt.

Moreso, I wanted a consolation prize just to see if he would give ANYTHING to replace the pain- and he did not.

Ergo, I lost all motivation. He also tried to supplement God because at this point I had 0 respect for him and his nonsense but he quoted the commandments saying I need to respect my parents (above God) presumably and listen to every stupid thing he did even if it was at my own deficit. SO I did.

And he didn’t enjoy me growing up and we had a shitty family because I was all about malicious compliance. I followed the letter of the law and not the spirit because the spirit was God and he took that away from me (or tried to).

Anyway, I’m trying to find myself again, but in doing so I am obviously losing God. So, it’s a conflict of interest. I need God more than I need me.

submitted by /u/Safe-Transition9866
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Source: Reditt