I am an ultra-orthodox married man in my mid-40s who is completely lost in my observance. On the exterior, I appear like everyone else, but internally, I am struggling. I have lost my business, and I have more than one child who is sick. Rarely do I get to spend any time with my other, healthy children, and almost never with my wife. She, too, is overwhelmed with the situation. To make matters worse, I have lost so much of my trust and belief in God. Can a loving God give so much pain and shame to one person? I have prayed and cried, pouring out my heart, yet the silence is deafening. I have tried different segulot and traveled to gravesites of the tzadikim, then cried and begged, but still, no answer. It is hard to truly believe at this point and to believe that He is involved in every move and breath we take. I can no longer cry, and I am so numb when I daven. Then, I did something on Shabbos that I should not have done. I have tried to seek out God, re-establish my connection, but it’s just not happening. With all the stress and negativity that arises every day, it’s drowning me and pulling me deeper into the depths of despair.
So please help me. I really want to be able to crown the King and declare Him God over the entire universe with meaning and excitement, but I don’t see how at this point. I have also sinned and don’t have the strength to do teshuva at this moment. Help! I feel like I am losing the battle.
submitted by /u/acheckes
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Source: Reditt
