So. I’m probably giving away some info to anyone in my area, but whatever – I’m currently doing an intro class as suggested by a congregation that I feel is a good fit for me (in some ways). They co-sponsor this Intro class with a number of other shuls so a lot of egal tendencies get kinda mushed together. There’s a few Conservative (with a spread of ‘seriousness,’) a few Reform and a couple unaffiliated with Recon rabbis (but not officially Recon).
It’s a really good class in terms of learning a wide array of information but it feels… Mildly inadequate for ‘what I know I’m getting into’ it I wasn’t already well acquainted and in my community for a long time already. It’s work, don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of reading and study but it doesn’t feel grueling. I don’t really know what to do about that.
I don’t have an opinion on anyone’s level of observance or what particular halakhic interpretations I prefer, and I’m still navigating that myself, moreso I’m just not sure I’m learning and practicing enough.
So I need to do this, learn some Hebrew and participate congregationally… I don’t know. I’m not questioning my place in needing to convert – it’s something I’m going to do. I have done the whole parsha cycle more than once, I’m in a daf group (admittedly not there every day but I try to keep up), have participated in a couple beit midrashes (invited by the people running them, not barging in), have been doing or participating in holidays to a degree that isn’t overstepping, done my own cultural/historical reading.
I just feel like I’m not quite getting what I feel is enough, but apparently this wide swath of congregations seems to think so. I am not cut out for Orthodox life but I think it’s crazy respectable. I guess maybe I just felt like the process should be more stringent than it is currently. I know that I can just keep pushing myself even after I take the dip and do the din but… Eh. I’m just feeling almost a little let down? Like I’m not being challenged to defend myself?