Happy New Year from a Conflicted Jew

Shana Tova to all my friends who hold meaning for this time.

I always have deeply mixed feelings to attending services and participating in some Jewish traditions, and today was especially difficult for me.

I find myself yearning to connect with the traditions and largely unbroken culture of my ancestors, to absorb the wisdom of a resilient and unbroken culture of 10,000+ years, even with all of the nasty parts of it which present further questions regarding faith and what **G-d is and isn’t, and where the messages of the Torah come from. There are passages I read which I think could not possibly have come from G-d, and are more likely from human elements of those seeking G-d, seeking truth, seeking power and control, or some combination of both.

I love being in Jewish community and gathering in a sacred manner, in song, in prayer, and in remembrance.

Today I was blessed to see my sister use her voice to bring people together in ceremony and community, and her co-workers leading prayer in presence. I also had the great honor of carrying the Torah around to the people who gathered, and to use my body as I know best to hold that tradition and ceremony in that moment, despite feeling otherwise lost or disengaged. Kind of like the spiritual equivalent of shoveling and spreading compost and mulch, bringing back to life a small piece of the world that needs a lot of help.

I find myself disconnected from many of the teachings and traditions due to services and prayers being held predominately in Hebrew, a language I do not speak, nor which is spoken by the majority of those in attendance.

There is something about the melodies and singing together that transmits beauty and connection all by itself, but I find myself sometimes wondering if there is a better way to connect to the knowledge and wisdom of our ancestors. I tend to hum along and read the English translations, which I do often find to be enlightening, but still seeking more.

I find myself restless in services, often 4+ hours during the High Holidays and though I have the freedom to leave, I still want to stick it out to give myself a chance to access something unexpected, and pay homage to ancestors who carried on our traditions, and persisted through the worst of oppression and genocide.

Yet I inevitably seem to get disappointed with how I’m able to access that, and I feel much more connected to G-d and my ancestors when sitting under a tree, walking in meditation, practicing Tikkun Olam, or in meaningful conversation with friends.

But the yearning for Jewish learning and connection with the Jewish people, and my ancestors goes deep. There is so much wisdom to gain from the questions our ancestors have asked, and the general framework of attaining wisdom through asking the right questions and being connected.

I lament the fact that modern-day Judaism is often tied to Zionism and pressure from a large part of the community that if you don’t support Israel than you are not a Jew. I reject that viewpoint, but it still makes it difficult at times to want to engage and feel like Jewish identity, community, and spirituality is at the forefront of our people.

I believe that we Jews are at a crossroads of our collective faith, morality, and connection to G-d because of our focus on an ethno-religious state as the center of our identity…this has nothing to do with the services today, and in fact the organizers are very progressive and committed to anti-oppression work which I am grateful for.

I allowed my hair to form into locks as a covenant with G-d, as our Nazarite predecessors did in ancient times, as a pledge to be “separate”, and follow the plan that G-d has for me. It isn’t always easy, but it’s something I feel grateful for and which has allowed me to come into my role in this world. I don’t know how long this will last, but if it’s for a lifetime I will embrace it, and I will continue to seek the guidance of my higher power moving forward, will continue to be in prayer for the healing of our people, of all people, and of the world, and that we may all come together as one.

**I know the term G-d is quite a trigger, and has a range of meanings for people. A lot of terrible things have been done in the name of G-d, and a lot of things have been attributed to G-d that I believe to be simply fabrications and the will of men in power. G-d is not some man in the sky pulling puppet strings…I don’t think G-d can be described or identified, but when present, the presence is felt. Feel free to interchange it with:

-A higher power
-The universe
-That which has no name
-All as one
-Nothingness

May peace, love, justice, and healing come to all.