Hi all. I’m really struggling in a few ways and could use advice or chizzuk. Or mussar.
This is about my experience, but this is obviously far from my only sin and I feel like this topic may apply to others too, in a more broad sense, so comments dont only need to be about my situation….
I’m a frum guy in my early 20s. Grew up frum, went to yeshiva, average learner but can and do learn on my own, etc… I got into the nasty habit of hotzaas zera levatala in my late teen years and it’s been something that has plagued me since. I’ve tried and wanted to stop for 6 years now. Ive had times I’ve gone a month or two without doing it, but its continued to get me through yeshiva and now even approaching my one year wedding anniversary! I feel like its unbeatable… I want to stop, but dont want anyone to know. I’ve tried some tricks from guardyoureyes (amazing resource btw!), but I can’t install a filter on my phone, cant let anyone irl know, and need to keep anonymity online. I know my triggers (bored and alone) but cant fully avoid them.
But its getting to the point where I feel so low and like such a choteh that it makes me slightly depressed and hurts my davening and learning, I do less of it and am less focused. This is killing me because I know how serious it is, but I always fall. Its not sheva yipol, its like 700 yipol at this point… I feel like im letting myself, Hashem, and my innocent wife down…
I could use any advise or chizzuk, whether you’ve been here or not. I feel so low…
(And before I get the “its normal! Just do it!” comments, I know the science Im a first year dental student and majored in biology. If its asur, its asur and wrong and I wont be convinced that its all good etc etc).
How do you deal with feeling insufficient as a frum person? Of course no one’s perfect, but this is a major aveirah, not just like I forgot to bentch once or may have spoken lashon hara.
And particularly for those with an “unbeatable” aveirah habit, how do you work on that?
Edit: Just want to reiterate, this isnt only me asking for advice. Anyone feel free to mention your own struggles or just discuss frum “guilt” (I hate that term) in general.