I am a relatively young (<25) Orthodox convert. I am a woman and I am not white. My hashkafa overall is more aligned with Modern Orthodoxy and if I had to label myself within MOdoxy, I would say I am somewhere between Centrist and Machmir.
I am currently in a somewhat serious relationship. My significant other comes from a religious family but he isn’t so frum. He keeps kosher and half-shabbos (he has expressed to me that he uses his phone during shabbos). I know shabbos and yontiff are not easy and it would be a bit unrealistic to think that a younger (Millennials/Gen Z) frum person hasn’t checked on their phone at least once in their lives during shabbos or chag. I’m also aware that they’re many who never have or even thought about it, but I also think a fair amount have which is understandable because technology keeps advancing and we are human and we mess up however that’s off topic. It bothers me that he consistently uses his phone on shabbos. He does don teffilin and fulfills the mitzvah of tzitzit through a talis. However he rarely goes to shul and definitely does not daven 3x a day. Again, I am aware davening 3x a day might be hard but I also believe the goal should be to try your best to get to that point where you do daven 3x a day. I really don’t see any effort in trying to daven more on his end. He also will go out in public without covering his head which also is a turn off for me. He also has expressed to me how he wants to live in a Conservadox-type community and I myself am just not interested in that. On top of all of this, we met while I was still in the process (no, he had nothing to due with my pursuits on joining klal yisrael) and before I officially became Jewish, he told me he would date and marry me even if I chose not to go through with the conversion. Really? That showed me that he really does not care much about the religion which again really turned me off.
Now you are probably wondering why I am with him. Well, I am seriously looking to settle down and get married and iy”h start a family. As a non white female convert I am at a significant disadvantage in the Orthodox dating world. My significant other has a lot of good personality traits, he comes from a religious home (this is especially important to me because as a convert, I have no Jewish family at all and I want my children to at least have some blood non-immediate family members who are also frum), and his family is very accepting and welcoming of me (which can sometimes be tough for a ger). He is also ready to get married and start a family.
He explains how he wants to grow in terms of frumkeit and I know it doesn’t happen overnight but I have known him almost 1 year and haven’t really seen much growth, if any.
Now I can get to my ultimate reasoning for this post. Do you think it is possible to make a relationship work with such a clear gap in observance?
After I became frum I always said I wanted someone more frum than me but if not then at least someone on the same level of religiosity. Then I realized a non white female convert marrying a yeshivish or haredi working ffb male might be wishful thinking. I know when people get married they never get exactly what they want and end up giving up certain things but I think if I marry him I will have more regret than average. But, I fear if I cut it off I won’t find better.