Conversion and negativity

Shalom everyone,

Bear with me if this becomes a mess of thoughts. I just need to vent and have some feedback, maybe some advice..

I live in Paris and since last year I’m planning on converting. I was an atheist with an Alevi background. So, what I’ve been doing is that I’ve been preparing myself mentally for all the changes since I’m someone who needs to digest every change. I’ve been also educating myself more on Judaism and all things Jewish related.

I’ve finally found the courage to go to the synagogue in my community, it’s been going very well, even though it’s been more intrusive than I expected. I’ve told all my story to the responsible to the synagogue responsible so he’d know who I am. He encouraged me to tell it to everyone he introduced me to, I’ve told him to stop and he explained that he’d wanna let everyone know that I’m not Jewish. Okay, I get it, fair enough. I told him to let me do my own presentation and if I feel comfortable I’ll tell whoever I want my story. He also had doubts that others would want me for their boys, mostly the old people come to the synagogue for the moment since it’s holidays season. I’m not there for anyone especially after my struggles. If it happens it happens but I’m not looking for it.

Now, someone close to me told me that I’ll never make it. That conversion is super hard. I just got so hurt by hearing that from someone I saw so close to me on a subject that’s in my heart. It really tore me apart. How can people think that way? Like it’s them who decide who can be what. I felt so hurt and insulted after being vulnerable and honest.

God will give me the strength to get over this but I could use some support. I don’t open up about my conversion with people who are not close to me and right now I have no support. I don’t need support but I want support. It’s good that I’m open about it.

I don’t care how many years it will take. It’s for a lifetime. End of vent.

Shabbat shalom …