I’ve been celibate for 3+ years now, but prior to that I lived an active homosexual lifestyle. I have struggled with detaching completely from pornography, refraining for weeks at a time to a maximum of four months, before relapsing and binging.
I’m at the point where I’m exhausted and spiritually drained, and though I know the will of Hashem is the ideal for true spiritual fulfillment and happiness, I’m weak and wondering if I can simply practice harm reduction with my sin and hope for mercy.
My Rabbi has spoken about homosexuals being condemned by Hashem, but he’s also touched on the idea that what someone does behind closed doors is their own business. Does this mean that what consenting adults do in private isn’t subject to judgement from Hashem, or is it just a reduced judgement from what is done in public?
My Rabbi has mentioned that the worst ill of a public homosexual lifestyle is the negative influence it has on children and the rest of society (Hashem wants us to be fruitful, promoting homosexuality reduces the population).
I’d ask my own Rabbi for his input but I’m shy and I don’t want to expose my sin, so I’d like an anonymous opinion. This is the one weakness of mine that is stopping me from seeking closeness with Hashem and reaching my full spiritual potential, because I don’t have the faith in myself to stop. I used to try to completely disavow this sin, but eventually I’d get extremely frustrated and uncomfortable, and over time my desire to stop has waned.
Do I have a chance at a relationship with Hashem if I keep my sin contained to my closet and moderate myself so it doesn’t fully consume my life?