I became Baal Teshuva 15 years ago. I am recently discovering that many of my reasons for becoming religious had to do with my own trauma and thinking being Orthodox would fix my problems. Kiruv re-enforced those false beliefs so much.
I still want to be religious, but I have so much bitterness about so many things – keeping mehadrin for so many years and driving myself crazy, moving to Israel, how my marriage was in the early years (sexist/unsupportive because Kollel was the most important thing). My husband (also BT) is a good guy and was trying to do the right thing just like I was, and I want to stay married.
I want to find a way for Judaism and religion to be a source of connection and a refuge from the insanity of today’s world, and I am moving to a more modern community soon, but I would love some hope and positivity that I can find a way to make this work. I don’t want to dump it all, but I also want to feel empowered and not angry.
Would love any stories or advice. Please positive only.
submitted by /u/Odd-Leg3817