Never thought it’d be me, but keeping shabbos has been torture for me lately.
I’ve had anxiety for years. (Started when my father got cancer. Never stopped). But I didn’t consider ditching frumkeit until now.
I’ve made lots of bargains with Hashem too. Told Him that I would do all kinds of special things for Him if He would just make me better.
And it feels like I’ve run my best race cuz I can barely make it through a shabbos without losing my sanity. I get antsy, restless, and I’m tired of talking to the big boss when clearly He’s intent on hanging me out to dry. He knows I can’t do this and He gives a whole slice of babka.
Isn’t that against the rules anyway? We only get nisyonos we can handle, right?
I just never thought I’d be the one to doubt though. I was always ‘the heilig one’.
Life’s funny like that.