Been struggling with Shabbos lately.

Never thought it’d be me, but keeping shabbos has been torture for me lately.

I’ve had anxiety for years. (Started when my father got cancer. Never stopped). But I didn’t consider ditching frumkeit until now.

I’ve made lots of bargains with Hashem too. Told Him that I would do all kinds of special things for Him if He would just make me better.

I’m worse.

Oops.

And it feels like I’ve run my best race cuz I can barely make it through a shabbos without losing my sanity. I get antsy, restless, and I’m tired of talking to the big boss when clearly He’s intent on hanging me out to dry. He knows I can’t do this and He gives a whole slice of babka.

Isn’t that against the rules anyway? We only get nisyonos we can handle, right?

I just never thought I’d be the one to doubt though. I was always ‘the heilig one’.

Life’s funny like that.