I know this isn’t r/AmITheAsshole but I honestly don’t want to deal with the potential for antisemitic comments if I were to post this on that subreddit. I also apologize for the length of this post.
My family consists of me, my husband, and our 4 year old daughter. My husband is not Jewish and does not identify with any religion at all. I am Jewish and we are raising our daughter Jewish as well. For this reason, my daughter and I both keep kosher. I keep a vegetarian diet 98% of the time as well because acquiring kosher meat where I live is not only very difficult, but also very expensive and I prefer to not eat any meat if I can’t have kosher meat. My daughter is mostly “kosher style” I guess (she only eats meat that comes from kosher animals, but not always meat that meets the kashrut standard) because I worry about restricting her too much and negatively effecting her relationship with food. She’s been told what kind of animals we are allowed to eat, but she’s still 4 years old and needs reminded frequently. My husband is typically very respectful of our religion and the lifestyle that goes along with it. He’s very careful to keep any non-kosher food he buys for himself separate from our food and always asks questions if he’s unsure of whether or not our daughter can have something. Sometimes he forgets that she can’t have meat and dairy together, but I appreciate how hard he tries to be careful and considerate.
Recently, my husband has become best friends with an old co-worker of his. The guy is great. His family is sweet, his wife and I get along really well, all our kids have become friends, and we typically have a great time together. The only issue is that this guy is really, really into smoking meats. Like, so into it that he’s opening his own restaurant. This wouldn’t be a huge issue if we were talking about chicken and brisket, but I could safely estimate that 90% of the time, he is smoking some kind of pork or shellfish and if it isn’t pork or shellfish, it’s being served with cheese.
The first time we went over there, it was pork. So they made my daughter a cheeseburger (I asked that they not put cheese on it, but alas, my toddler needed to eat dinner) and I chose not to eat anything. I felt rude not eating anything, but this guy is fully aware of the fact that I am Jewish. I literally wear a visible Magen David necklace everyday. My husband and I have both told him and his wife that my daughter and I are Jewish. They are aware. Subsequent visits either ended with me making my own dinner in their kitchen while everyone else hung out somewhere else, not eating anything at all, or, once, he made a calf leg and I tried a small amount just to be polite. There was one time my husband and daughter went alone while I stayed home sick and later my husband called and excitedly told me our daughter tried crab legs. I was slightly peeved and gently reminded him she can’t have shellfish because it is not kosher. It’s really awkward for me and at this point, it’s just coming off as rude. We’ve been over to their house six or seven times and five or six of those visits have included a conversation between my husband’s best friend and I where he asks what we can and can’t have and I tell him yet again.
I’ve had the conversation with my husband multiple times that, in my opinion, it is rude to invite guests over for dinner and prepare something that 2 out of the 3 guests can’t eat, and not even offer something else as a replacement like a vegetable or bread or something. But my husband argues that it is not his non-Jewish friend’s responsibility to prepare kosher meals when only 2 of the 8 people there keep kosher. I can see this viewpoint, but I still see it as rude. I wouldn’t invite a vegan family to my home for dinner and prepare a roast chicken with macaroni and cheese. It’s just rude and inconsiderate. But I honestly can’t tell if I’m overreacting because I’ve never been in a situation like this. My sister said I should just flat-out refuse to go back to their house, but overall they’ve been very kind to my family and to me and besides this issue, have never given me a reason to snub them or think negatively of them. I don’t know. What would you guys do? Am I being an asshole for wanting a non-Jewish person to accommodate me in their home?